As we’re seeing more and more TV shows, books and podcasts including or discussing BDSM practices, I’d like to take some time to explain what BDSM really is and why it’s so enjoyable. So if you’re curious to find out more about BDSM or if you’re thinking of giving it a try, please read on and let me tell you all about it.
What really is BDSM ?
What it is
The term BDSM describes sex practices that involve dominance, submission and control. Generally, one person takes on the role of the submissive partner while the other takes on a more dominant role during sex. Roles don’t have to be set in stone, one partner can be dominant one night, and submissive the next. These practices can also involve bondage, sadism and masochism. The important aspect of it all is to have fun and explore.
There are many ways to practice BDSM and you and your partners can make up your own rules together. You can include power play, role-playing, pain play, bondage, sadomasochism, wax play, edging, sensory deprivation, or humiliation to your nights of fun. Try whatever you feel drawn to and try getting out of your comfort zone.
Why people (including myself) are drawn to it
There’s something very freeing about BDSM. I know, I know… This could be surprising as we’re talking about choosing to be restraint with ropes, handcuffs and submission. But that’s exactly what it is: a choice. With the option to stop whenever and to decide whether you want to be in charge or want to try to completely let go. I think t’s also a great way to reach a level of intimacy and intensity you won’t find in vanilla sex (the name we give to “traditional” sex).
BDSM: a matter of principles
Who will you find in the BDSM community?
Many people who don’t know anything about BDSM think of it as unhealthy practices, something that is not “normal”. I find this mind-blowing as once you discover the BDSM community, you quickly realise that people who engage in BDSM practices are actually people who have thought a lot about their sexuality, their boundaries, their desires, the things they like and dislike. In a way, they are more in touch with themselves than many. They are also very conscious of the importance of consent and communication before, during and after sex.
Consent in BDSM practices
I can’t stress enough how important consent is in any sexual relation. When it comes to BDSM, it is quite common to use a safe word. When your partner pronounces that word, you need to immediately stop what you are doing. Don’t negotiate, don’t insist, just stop and then you can talk about what’s going on. Saying no can be challenging for your partner so always make sure you receive their need to stop with gratitude and respect. That way, not only do you respect your partner’s needs but you also ensure there’s trust in your relationship to keep exploring together. My advice is to never ever rely on implied consent. It’s too dangerous.
BDSM for beginners
So you’re curious about BDSM practices? Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and start small. Ask yourself what you would like to try and explore. Don’t forget to communicate with your partner to find out what they’d like, what their limits are and express what you’re looking for.
A good starting point might be practices that don’t include specific accessories or intimidating toys. Start playing with sensory deprivation: blindfold and handcuffs (you can use scarves for that). What is sex like when you can’t see your partner or touch them? Explore the feeling of not being in control. Try the opposite too: be in total control of what your partner feels. You can add feathers, paddles or wax on the skin to add new sensations to the mix. Role-playing can also be a good entry point for beginners. Common role-plays can include kidnapper-victim, teacher-student, law enforcement-prisoner, owner-pet…
Accessories and sex toys for BDSM
If you feel comfortable exploring with accessories and sex toys, know that there’s a plethora of options out there. We were just talking about blindfolds and handcuffs: choose the most comfortable ones, you don’t want the accessories to be a source of discomfort. Bondage kits are also easy to find and have all the necessary toys you can have fun with on your BDSM journey: collar, lead, wrist and ankle cuffs, blindfold, lock & key, ball gag, whip…
I’d also advise you not to hesitate to read a lot about BDSM: what people like to do, how they do it, what they use, etc. It will give you ideas for your own adventures. Watching BDSM porn together with your partner (if you have a specific partner you want to try BDSM with) might also be a good idea. You’ll quickly realise what practices you are attracted to and what you’d like to try first. In the end, always keep in mind your sexual experience should be fun: explore, try new things and be your glorious kinky self.